Intentions and Intoxications
by TJ Dragonblade
Summary: (EDITED VERSION) Yamato thinks his attraction to Sai inappropriate. Sai has other ideas. Alcohol is a convenient enabler. Post-war. YamaSai.
1. Chapter 1

Originally inspired by the prompt 'Yamato/Sai; inebriated'. This is the first thing I started writing when I fell for YamaSai well over a year ago; there's been a lot of evolution and revision along the way, as tends to happen when I initially set sail with a new ship. It's ended up in three parts, the last of which is still not fully drafted. I hesitate to post this first part because chances are I'll need to change something in relation to whatever ends up happening with part 3. On the other hand, it's just gathering dust on my drive and having it out there will hopefully provide some useful impetus toward finishing part 3 in the very near future, so. Plus, I still feel bad about not having Yamato's birthday fic done. ^_^;

Started: 1/28/11 - still unfinished

~~~***~~~  
"You all did well," Yamato congratulates his team as they gather along the main street of a small village in the Land of Rivers. "I know this mission turned out to be more than we expected going in, but the three of you handled yourselves admirably." He realizes they're not kids who need to be told they've done a good job, haven't been for a long time, but he's always been the type to believe in the value of bestowing praise where it's due.

"I thought it was just gonna be a boring tracking-and-retrieval mission, no matter how important the old guy was," Naruto says, hands laced behind his head, "but it turned out to be pretty exciting!"

"It made sense to neutralize the criminals behind the Patriarch's abduction, even though it wasn't part of the original mission." Sai's tone is bland and impartial, but Yamato can hear a mild hint of satisfaction underneath it all the same. "It was...the right thing to do."

"The whole country's better off with that drug ring out of operation," Sakura agrees decisively, her fierce grin a match for Naruto's.

"Thanks to you three and your diligence and hard effort, relations between Konoha and the Land of Rivers just got even friendlier." Yamato gives them all an approving smile; he's very pleased to see how they've grown as a team since the first time they all worked together what seems like ages ago now. "We're invited to the festival they're holding tonight to honor the Patriarch's return," he continues. "It's good for relations if we make an appearance, and I don't think any of us minds a party, so we'll stay for that and leave for home tomorrow. Sound good?"

"Yep!"

"Mmhm."

"Agreed."

"Alright. They're getting things started now, so we may as well head that way."

"Yamato-taichou," Sai asks as they start walking, "will there be alcohol at this celebration?"

"Pretty sure there will be," Yamato answers, mulling it over in his head and deciding it won't do any harm. "I'm an easy-going guy, you know, so I'm not going to scold anyone for letting loose a little bit tonight. You deserve it; and if you're old enough to fight and die for your village, or anyone else's, you're certainly old enough to drink a little in celebration."

"All _right_!" Naruto exclaims.

"Just a _little_," Yamato emphasizes, stopping and turning to face the three of them. Naruto is grinning hugely, while Sakura sports a smug little smirk and Sai looks vaguely thoughtful behind his default neutral expression. "A word of caution - moderation is your friend. We leave for home bright and early tomorrow, and anyone too hung over - " here he pulls out his old 'creepy eyes' face and pauses for dramatic effect " _- will find the journey very harsh indeed_."

Naruto and Sakura quail just like they used to - it gives him such a little pang of nostalgic warmth - while Sai blinks placidly beside them.

"Alright then!" Satisfied that they'll heed his warning he smiles, all laid-back squad captain again, and leads them on to the town square.

The party is lively, and while Yamato has never been very big on such things, he can fake it in the name of diplomatic relations. He mingles as expected for a short while, accepting thanks from the hosting villagers with gracious humility and keeping an eye on his team as food and alcohol flow freely. Satisfied after a time that Sakura can keep either of the boys from stepping too far out of line, he wanders the length of the square and eventually finds himself a comfortable bench in an out-of-the-way corner.

He is warm and pleasantly buzzed awhile later, slowly nursing his sake and watching the crowd, content to spend the rest of the evening doing nothing else, when Sai approaches him with weaving steps and a rosy flush in his pale cheeks.

Yamato raises an eyebrow. "Sai. Are you...drunk?" It is such an alien idea that the word sticks on the end of his tongue.

"I think so!" Sai beams happily, listing a little to the left and taking a quick stumbling step to rebalance.

Yamato thinks of the standard ANBU poison-resistance conditioning and wonders how much alcohol his young teammate has had to imbibe to reach such a state of inebriation.

"You're probably going to feel awful in the morning," he says sternly, and Sai blinks.

"Yes, I'm aware of that possibility." He appears to think for a moment, then beams happily again. "But I chose to get drunk, and I accept the consequences; I promise not to slow the team down."

"I did warn you all to indulge with moderation," Yamato sighs, mentally scaling back his expectations of Sakura's ability to keep Sai out of trouble.

"I wanted to experience intoxication," Sai counters, "to find out what it's like."

Amused and dismayed in equal measure, Yamato gestures for him to continue. "And?" He can hear that note of fondness in his own voice and tries to tone it down, not wanting Sai to interpret it as approval. "What have you discovered?"

Sai makes an adorable face in approximation of a contemplative frown and Yamato decides he's had enough to drink himself if he's letting 'adorable' and 'Sai' cross his thoughts in conjunction to one another.

"I do not think I will do it again," Sai says, "although the feeling is certainly interesting. But I don't feel that I am entirely in control of my own body; it is very...disconcerting." He navigates carefully over the last word.

Yamato glances down despite himself at Sai's body, lithe and fit and temptingly on display, as always.

Yes, definitely time to lay off the sake.

"May I sit with you, Taichou?" Sai asks, and Yamato motions at the bench beside him.

"Feel free."

Sai sits, straight-backed with his hands folded in his lap, and looks out over the clusters of celebrating villagers. After a moment, he turns his head to Yamato and says, "I'm not actually drunk, Yamato-taichou."

"Er. What?"

Sai beams one of his bright smiles. "Did I act the part convincingly enough?"

"...Yes," Yamato decides, trying very hard to keep up with the conversation despite the buzz of alcohol in his own system. Why on earth would Sai pretend to be drunk?

"I decided this was a good opportunity to observe drunken behavior and learn to imitate it, in case I ever need to do so on a mission," Sai says then, like he's reading Yamato's mind, which is - to borrow Sai's phrase - very disconcerting.

"But...your face," Yamato says, and then of course he notices that the color has faded from Sai's cheeks.

"Also an imitation," Sai confirms, and demonstrates by pinching up his cheeks a bit until they're pinkish once again.

Yamato is struck by just how much it highlights Sai's prettiness.

"...Ah," he finally says, blinking at Sai, and cracks a bit of a smile. "Well, good job. But really, it's a party - you should try to enjoy yourself for the rest of the night." His tipsy brain presents him with several corny pickup lines about helping Sai find a way to enjoy himself, but he's not so far gone as to actually say any of them.

Sai turns and leans toward him, tilting his head to one side. "Are _you_ drunk, Yamato-taichou?" he asks then, and beams that smile again.

"A bit," Yamato admits, letting his eyes unfocus briefly so he won't stare at the full curve of Sai's lips, and reiterates to himself that he's had _quite_ enough to drink if his inappropriate attraction to his young teammate is getting the better of him so readily.

"Good. That's supposed to make things easier," Sai says, and then he has climbed into Yamato's lap and curved a hand along Yamato's jaw to tilt it up and his mouth is _touching_ Yamato's -

_Oh -_

Yamato realizes, when he does nothing to stop it, that he has in fact had _too much_ to drink by this point.

There's a sober little voice in the back of his head jabbering about _Stop, stop, you can't, you shouldn't!_ but Sai's lips are warm, and soft, and do far more to obliterate Yamato's inhibitions than the alcohol swirling in his bloodstream.

He touches Sai at the waist, touches bare skin, and his heart rate trips into a faster beat; he splays one hand at the exposed small of Sai's back, lets the other slide up beneath the edge of that half-length shirt to press him closer. He tells himself a brief moment is allowable, will help to let Sai down gently since he's going to reject this advance just as soon as the kiss is done, but he knows even as he makes the rationalization that it's incredibly weak. Blaming the sake, and telling himself that he can't let this continue, not more than a minute, he tilts his head into the kiss, lips parting and tongue licking out into Sai's mouth.

Sai exhales softly through his nose - whether it's surprise or relief or pleasure or simple mundane breathing, Yamato has no idea - and wraps an arm behind Yamato's neck, fingers lacing up into his hair. His knees tighten on either side of Yamato's hips and his tongue slides along Yamato's with the careful finesse of one who is learning new skills; Yamato knows there are reasons he's always telling himself this is not a good idea but Sai unexpectedly willing in his arms and Sai's mouth meshed to his and Sai's weight pressing warm in his lap make them seem quite forgettable.

Sai draws back from him at last, and the sight of him - pretty face and full wet lips and half-lidded fathomless eyes - goes a long way toward undermining Yamato's flagging strength of will; he wants nothing more in that instant than to kiss Sai again, and again and again and again.

His head is spinning, and it's not entirely to blame on the alcohol.

"Yamato-taichou," Sai breathes, and for all that he is still learning to feel and express normal human emotion, there is a soft darkness in his voice that bespeaks desire.

Their corner of the square is not particularly dark or hidden, and Yamato involuntarily tightens his arms to keep Sai close against him, as if that will shield them from curious eyes; he wishes for cover, for privacy, for the will to stop this now. Trying to pull himself together, he searches desperately for the words - any words - that will put him back in control.

"Sai - " That won't do it, not when he can hear the need thick and vibrant in his own voice. He tries again. "Are you sure you're not drunk?"

Sai is still holding him with that depthless gaze, dark and promising; he leans in, closer, and the scent of him - steel and ink and ricepaper and leftover sunlight caught deep in the black of his hair - makes Yamato's head reel as it fills his senses, close and warm and enveloping.

"Yamato-taichou," Sai breathes again, hardly more than a whisper, "I'm not drunk." His lips are barely brushing the ridges of Yamato's ear as he speaks, intimate and electric. "I want to have sex with you."

It's close enough to what Yamato has imagined - deep in the night when he's tired enough and alone enough to let himself imagine things - that arousal flares hot and wild in his gut and he realizes with giddy dismay that he's not going to say no.

Sai's hand in his hair moves down the back of his neck, fingertips sending little jolts of warmth against his scalp as they withdraw, and around to toy with the corner of his face guard; Sai's other hand has a light grip on his shoulder. "You look at me, watch me, all the time," Sai murmurs, still torturously close to his ear. "You are very subtle about it, but once I noticed, I started to wonder why." His body heaves slightly with a short breath, and he turns his face so that his words are nearly lost in the collar of Yamato's flak vest. "I have done some research, and I'm fairly certain that this is one of several 'tells' you exhibit that indicates a sexual attraction to me." He draws back, just a little, just enough to catch Yamato's gaze. "Or have I interpreted things incorrectly again?"

Yamato stares at him, at the fragile uncertainty creeping underneath Sai's placid expression, and the last of his ragged defenses fail. "God, no," he breathes, desire surging warmly in his chest, and kisses Sai again.

Sai's fingers are curled tight underneath Yamato's face guard by the time they separate, and his voice when he speaks is somewhat breathless. "Then...we can have sex?"

The sober little corner of Yamato's mind is flailing at him to say no, and he knows he should be listening, but the fact that Sai has put effort into getting them here, has said 'I want', has taken the initiative, blunts the sharp voice of reason even more than the sake still swimming in Yamato's head. It's _good_ for Sai to want things, even if what he wants is not the best idea in the long run. He doesn't know what's possessed Sai to proposition him here, now, tonight, but turning him down would take a stronger man than Yamato has ever claimed to be.

"Yes," he groans, low and heartfelt, and it feels like surrender.


	2. Chapter 2

Herein lies almost nothing but porn; see below for where to find the un-cut version. I'm still working on part 3 but aim to have it finished by the end of the year. Hopefully sooner, but don't hold me to that. ^_^;;

**~~~***~~~  
**They are Shinobi of the Hidden Leaf and ANBU at that; slipping away from the festival unnoticed to return to their guest lodgings in haste is entirely too easy.

Yamato's mind is abuzz with anticipation as they leap unerringly from rooftop to foreign rooftop; the distance is brief and it's a mere moment later that finds him dropping silently through the window of his room, Sai directly on his heels.

As soon as the window is warded and trapped Sai is back in his arms and leaning up to kiss him, and Yamato's hands find their way to cup Sai's face, fingers tangling together at the nape of his neck. He kisses Sai fiercely, deep and wet and thorough, eventually sliding his hands up through the thick silk of Sai's hair and lifting his hitai-ate away, letting it fall to the floor with a soft 'clunk' of metal on wood. He draws down the zipper on Sai's shirt and skims both shirt and jacket back from Sai's shoulders; Sai lets them slide down his arms and off and the weight of his tantou clatters against the floor in turn. His gloves fall after without a sound. Following Yamato's lead, Sai opens Yamato's flak vest and pushes it back, skims his bare hands up under the shirt beneath. Yamato breaks the kiss to shrug out of his vest and grasps the shirt, pulling it up and off over his head, bringing his face guard with it.

He pulls Sai in again, kisses him again, runs his hands over all that bare skin and presses it close against his own. Sai is warm in his arms, all smooth soft skin and lean hard muscle, and letting himself touch everything that Sai displays on a regular basis at last is downright heady. Sai's slender fingers are skating through the hair on Yamato's chest and Yamato finally brings his own hands to rest where Sai's ribs curve around to his back, tearing himself away from Sai's mouth with effort.

He rests his bare forehead against Sai's, catching his breath, and makes one last ditch effort at responsibility.

"Sai. Are you sure you want this?"

Sai tilts his head, places a tiny kiss at one corner of Yamato's mouth. "Yes."

That sober little bit of Yamato's mind is still prattling on about all the reasons he should refrain, but Yamato is only human; he's wanted this forever and his strength is not limitless. Especially not when he's somewhat intoxicated and Sai is half-naked in his arms and Sai's hands are moving warm over his skin like a blind man trying to learn his shape.

Slowly, gently, he moves his hands down Sai's body, to his hips, and in to where Sai's belt fastens.

_**Cut in compliance with the ToS.**_

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**_Those who are old enough and want to read the full version can find it here: archiveofourown .org (slash) works/483228/chapters/903789

If you prefer the cut version, a relevant excerpt and a summary of pertinent points covered in what's skipped plus the tail-end of the scene follows the spoiler-space below.

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_This exchange will be very relevant to conversations in Part 3:_

**~~~***~~~  
**"Sai, have you ever...well, done this before? Any of this?"

He's sure he knows what the answer will be even before Sai says it.

"No, but I have read many books on the subject. I'm fairly certain that I know what I should expect."

Of course. Yamato gives himself a mental slap to the forehead for not realizing it sooner. In fact, Sai's entire ambush tonight - the kissing, the touching, the climbing-in-Yamato's-lap and the whispering-in-Yamato's-ear and such - had all probably been picked out of some book or other; Sai uses little else as a frame of reference for interpersonal behavior of any sort.

But at least that answers the question of why Sai has propositioned him; he's probably ready to move from research to practical application and, on account of those 'tells' he'd mentioned, deduced that Yamato would be willing to assist.

Part of Yamato - the sentimental part - is somewhat let down, but the rest of him insists it's for the best and that he should get on with it in any case.

He smiles up at Sai, friendly, reassuring. "Okay. I'll take it slow, and you tell me if I do anything that surprises you, alright?"

"Yes, Taichou."

Responsibility for Sai's virginity settles heavy on his shoulders, along with a soft thrill at the idea that Sai has come to _him_ for this, not anyone else. There's that snide little voice in his head again suggesting that Sai's first time shouldn't be with his somewhat-drunken squad captain who's nearly ten years his senior, but the cocktail of alcohol and arousal in Yamato's blood makes it blessedly easy to ignore. The pragmatic part of him suspects that voice will come back to haunt him when he's sober, but right now all that matters is doing whatever Sai wants, because Sai _wants_ it.

=====  
_Other pertinent points:_

- Sai tells Yamato that he wants to have 'an intimate bond' with him; Yamato doesn't really register the potential importance of the phrase.  
- Sai provides the lube etc; had been carrying it along in his weapons pouch  
- Yamato realizes just how much Sai trusts him - Yamato tells Sai he can drop the 'Taichou' but all things considered, Sai kind of forgets again quickly.

_Then, once the sex is finished: (Sai is in Yamato's lap, his back to Yamato's chest)_

**~~~***~~~**  
Yamato holds him, rocks him back and forth a little, presses soft kisses against his hair, the side of his face, the shell of his ear, and knows in the back of his mind beneath all the endorphines running loose that he had better imprint this now for all he's worth, because he can't let it happen again.

"Yamato-taichou," Sai says then, quietly, nearly a sigh. His hand slides bonelessly out of Yamato's hair, falls loose in his lap, and he turns his head lazily to brush his lips across Yamato's cheek. "I...oh." His eyes close and he leans his head back against Yamato's shoulder again, and the tiny smile he wears is beautifully genuine.

Something clenches in Yamato's gut while something else melts in his heart and he sits forward, unwinds himself from Sai with reluctance. All the 'must nots' and 'shouldn't haves' are trying to rise up again as the afterglow fades and he _really_ does not want to listen to them right now.

The tissues are still on the bedside table, and he cleans Sai gently of both lube and semen, front and back. Sai touches his face, blinking up at him sated and drowsy. "Should I return to my own room now?" he asks, like verifying the next step in a set of instructions, and Yamato knows he should say yes and start distancing himself right away, never mind what he really wants, because this was only a demonstration, no strings attached, and they honestly shouldn't have done it in the first place.

"I...please stay," he says instead, perfectly still while Sai traces the hollow of his cheek with light fingertips.

Sai smiles at him, barely a curving of lips, tiny and understated and _real_; Yamato feels that melting in his heart again, just a little, and realizes that it's already far too late to be worrying about attachment.

Yamato catches Sai's hand as it trails down to his jaw and kisses the palm, then lays it in Sai's lap and kisses Sai's forehead and excuses himself to the toilet.

He stares at his face in the mirror, after, and knows that he will berate himself in the morning, will have regrets long after that; but tonight he is tired, and sated, and still a bit drunk, and Sai is all but asleep in his bed when he returns.

Yamato slides in behind him with a murmur of reassurance, spoons against the curve of Sai's back and tucks his face into Sai's hair, and falls asleep with the scent of Sai and sex warm in his senses.


	3. Chapter 3

Yamato wakes to filtered sunlight streaming in the window and blinks, groggy and disoriented. "Ergh," he says intelligently, squinting against the painful brightness and trying to block it with a hand.

Someone shifts beside him in bed—_Sai_, he remembers abruptly—and blessedly a shadow falls across his face.

"Good morning, Yamato-taichou!"

Sai's voice is entirely too cheerful, too bright, just like the sunshine, and Yamato groans.

The night floods back to his memory in bits and pieces—Sai's proposition at the festival, the taste of Sai's mouth, the feel of Sai's skin against his, Sai warm and trusting underneath him, Sai's breath panting hot against his throat, Sai's body trembling through climax in his arms—and his heart sinks.

This is the moment that he knew would come, the inevitable conversation that must be had, but he's at something of a loss on where to start. What's the proper way to thank someone for giving you their virginity simply for the sake of having the experience, especially when you're mad about them? He knows he needs to put last night into proper perspective and re-establish the boundaries that he never should have let Sai cross, but all he really wants to do is pull Sai down into his arms, kiss him, touch him, roll him underneath and take him again.

"Morning, Sai," he manages instead, scrubbing his eyes open again and pushing himself up to one elbow. He squints at Sai, silhouetted by the haloed brightness behind him, and decides that simple solicitous courtesy is as good a place to start as any. "How do you feel?"

Sai blinks. "I am well-rested, uninjured, chakra levels as expected, no muscle strain or fatigue." It's a standard mid- or post-mission run-down of physical status, and Yamato can hear Sai's confusion at being asked for such a thing now, when the mission unofficially wrapped up late yesterday. He valiantly suppresses the urge to drop his forehead to his palm.

"Well, good, but that's not exactly what I meant," he clarifies. "It's not unusual to be somewhat...tender, or sore, after your first time having sex, and sometimes the emotions involved can get very confusing, also. I want to make sure you're doing okay this morning."

"Oh." Sai brightens again. "I can feel where you moved inside me last night and I would guess there is probably some slight internal bruising, but I'm not in any discomfort."

"Good."

"I am...pleased, that we had sex last night. It felt...good." Yamato can tell he's searching for better words but settling for those he feels certain of.

"That's...good," he repeats in kind, unable to think of anything more appropriate to say and fumbling for the words that should follow.

"I think I would like to do it again," Sai announces, sounding speculatively pleased. "I am curious about the other ways to have sex; if it's permissible—" he lifts a hand tentatively toward Yamato, his face slightly questioning "—may I try one now?"

Yamato has nodded reflexive assent before he registers exactly what Sai's asking; there's a hurried negation forming on his tongue but it's lost as Sai pulls away the sheet, leans over and bends his head and starts doing something that Yamato has hardly dared to dream about.

It nearly kills him to tell Sai to stop, but he makes himself speak the words. "Sai—Sai, Sai, stop—"

Sai draws back and straightens up, meets Yamato's gaze with slight puzzlement in his eyes. "Am I doing it incorrectly?" He wipes neatly at the wetness in the corner of his mouth with the pad of his thumb.

The sight makes the heat in Yamato's belly surge and he forces himself to breathe deep, to keep his head, to not beg Sai to go back down. "No, no." He scrambles to sit up, to get some kind of control over the situation, and yanks the wadded sheet up to clutch it firmly in his lap; his body throbs in shameless protest and he struggles valiantly to ignore it. "You're definitely doing it right. But you don't have to do it at all."

"But you're very hard, Taichou, and it was pleasant when you did it to me last night."

Yamato's head aches, just a little, but as far as hangovers go it's pretty benign. Still, it's not making things any easier.

"I—well, good, but still. Last night was last night, and now it's today, and..." He's cringing inside at the aimless babble coming out of his mouth, and gives himself a good mental kick. _Come on, Yamato, get your act together!_ "I'm really glad you came to me to...to do what we did last night, Sai. There's nothing wrong with wanting to know what sex is like and I was happy to help you out. Thank you for trusting me with that. But you don't have to do anything more, and it's probably not appropriate for me to, um, keep giving you that same kind of practical instruction. You should find someone you like, and then you can explore and learn together." It's appallingly less than eloquent, but hopefully it gets the point across.

"Then...you don't want to have sex with me again?"

Oh, god, that is so far off the mark that Yamato can't force the blatant lie out of his throat, chokes over the less-convincing truth instead. "It's not appropriate for me to have sex with you. Circumstances...last night—I'm glad you came to me, like I said, but it can't be a recurring thing."

"But...I don't understand." Sai's brow furrows slightly as he frowns; Yamato recognizes Sai's 'perplexed' face from the times he's watched Sai practicing facial expressions and it pings that melting sensation around his heart again. "Sakura said it was very likely that you wanted a romantic relationship with me."

Great. Sai isn't the only one who's picked up on his 'tells', apparently. Yamato pushes his hovering embarrassment at the thought to the back of his mind somewhere; one awkward situation at a time is all he's willing to handle at the moment.

"Just because I might want it doesn't mean you're obligated to give it to me," he says. "That's part of the problem. I was willing—glad—to show you what sex is like, but I don't expect you to take part in an inappropriate attraction that you don't reciprocate. Both people need to have the romantic interest in one another for a relationship to work."

The 'perplexed' expression on Sai's face morphs into something more inquisitive. "What does 'romantic interest' feel like?"

Yamato is appropriately flummoxed. "It...well...uh." How to explain it so that Sai will understand? "It's...well, you like a person, differently than you like say your friends. But you can like them that way too—" He's botching this, spectacularly. "You want to...to do things with them, spend time, make them happy, and you often want to be...close, closer than friends, and be intimate with them, not just for sex, but because they're _them_—"

The hint of understanding that smooths over Sai's face stops the running babble of his words; he's surprised, because he's barely making sense to himself.

"An intimate bond," Sai says firmly, like he's found the answer. "I could have gone to a brothel to find out what sex is like. But I wanted to know what sex is like with you. I was hoping to form an intimate bond, with you."

That phrase again—'intimate bond'—Yamato recalls Sai using it last night, and some part of him is beginning to wonder if he shouldn't have paid a little more attention, not dismissed it so easily as 'typical Sai'.

"I believe I do have romantic interest in you, Taichou," Sai says, and smiles brilliantly, and Yamato's stomach gives an odd little flip.

"You...do?" Not the most intelligent response, but his brain is still trying to catch up.

"Yes. I have felt compelled to learn more about you, to seek out your company. I was...pleased, when I realized you were exhibiting signs of attraction toward me; my research suggests that intimate bonds can be very fulfilling, and I hoped that perhaps I could experience one with you."

Yamato feels his mouth open and close once, twice, but he literally cannot think of anything to say as Sai continues on. "I've learned that books alone aren't always the most reliable source of information, so I went to Sakura and Naruto to find out how to initiate a sexual encounter with you. I think I made them uncomfortable, but they were very helpful all the same. Naruto suggested I make sure you were intoxicated and 'just go for it', and Sakura advised approaching you alone and telling you what I wanted. Last night provided an ideal situation to act on their advice."

All of what Sai just said, Yamato knows, is going to cause him so, _so_ much embarrassment with the rest of the team, but—again—he pushes that aside for the moment and makes himself focus on the most pertinent bits of it.

"So..._you_ wanted to seduce _me_, and decided that the festival was a good opportunity?" It's still a little difficult to wrap his head around.

"Yes."

"That would have been a really good thing to tell me last night," he grouses—unfairly perhaps, because he's realizing in hindsight that he made an awfully big assumption about Sai's intentions without any of the talking that could have cleared things up from the outset, but he's having a hard time keeping up with all the twists in this conversation.

Sai peers at him, head tilted slightly to the left. "I've made you...upset. I'm sorry."

Yamato feels a little stab of panic and fiercely tells himself, yet again, to pull it together. Things are starting to look up, but Sai is taking his cues from Yamato and if Yamato doesn't pay attention to the cues he's giving, he'll still end up making a mess of this whole situation.

He shakes his head. "No, no! I'm not angry. I just...this is all very unexpected." He picks up Sai's hand between both of his and squeezes gently, a gesture of affection and apology that he hopes Sai can intuit, because there are so many words piling up behind his tongue and he doesn't know quite where to begin untangling them.

"Was it wrong for me to ask you for sex last night?" Sai's expression is his smooth perfectly-blank default, which usually means he's struggling behind it to figure out if and where he's made missteps and how he's expected to react next; it makes Yamato's heart ache to see it now, and he realizes that it's doubly unfair to fault Sai for not clearly stating where he stood when Yamato himself has never told Sai the truth about his own feelings.

So maybe, he thinks, that would be a really good place to start.

"Sai," he breathes, and gently raises Sai's hand in one of his, presses his lips to the palm, brushes them softly over the pulse in Sai's wrist. "I know I've never said anything, but you're right—I am very, _very_ attracted to you." He lays another kiss to Sai's hand before he lets it fall, held again between his own. "I have been for a long time, and last night was..." There's no way to say it that doesn't sound trite and cheesy and it feels insincere in his mouth, not that Sai would know the difference. He tries a different tack. "I'm glad we had sex. I'm very glad, and it's not your fault I mis-interpreted your intentions, so please don't feel like you have to apologize. We kind of...failed to communicate, but you haven't done anything wrong and I'm not upset, I promise."

Of course he's not upset; he's incredibly pleased that Sai has developed enough personal initiative and independent self-focused thought to identify an attraction to someone, and the fact that _he_ is that someone is so much icing on the cake. There's a subdued sense of elation trying to grow inside him as 'must not' and 'shouldn't have' keep looking less and less relevant, but he needs to tamp it back down, focus, because in the end he has to let it be Sai's decision.

"Then Sakura was correct," Sai says. "You do want a relationship with me, even though you've never attempted to initiate one."

Yamato tries not to smile at how clinical Sai makes it sound. "Well, yes. I just...I really didn't think you'd be interested in me that way."

"But you never asked."

Yamato sighs. "That's also because I'm your squad leader and you're my subordinate; generally speaking, it's...not really appropriate for me to pursue you."

"Oh." Sai's expression crinkles slightly.

"Aaand, there are many people—particularly in the civilian world—who think it's inappropriate for someone my age to have sex or a relationship with someone your age, and I suppose I let that be another reason to just let things lie."

"But..." Sai's brow actually furrows, just a little bit. "I am still your subordinate, and I am still your junior. Isn't it still inappropriate for you to have sex with me?"

Yamato takes a breath to consider and realizes that he's already made his decision, appropriate or not. "Technically, I suppose, but—" He blows out a sigh, heavily. "In this case, 'inappropriate' is a matter of perspective more than anything else, and your interest makes a world of difference, Sai. If _you_ want us to have a relationship, then...I have a hard time caring about those reasons anymore. There'll always be people who say we shouldn't no matter what, but it's...I just—if being with me makes you happy, that's more important to me than whatever social disapproval might come our way."

"Oh." Sai looks mildly thoughtful, one finger curved between his lips, and Yamato is glad to see that the expressions Sai spends so much time practicing are starting to come more naturally to him.

"_Do_ you want us to...to get together?" He thinks perhaps a direct question will help Sai to sort things out.

Sai gives a careful nod. "Even if it's regarded as inappropriate, I would be...glad, if I could give you something you want by participating in a romantic relationship."

Yamato shakes his head. Part of him hesitates, because Sai looks to be leaning pretty solidly in Yamato's direction and Yamato doesn't want to change his mind, but it's the right thing to do and he doesn't think he could stomach looking at himself in the mirror if he was anything less than honest with Sai, especially now. "It's not just about what I want, Sai; you're not my subordinate in this regard. You should weigh your own feelings, not—you don't need to concern yourself with mine right now. What I want shouldn't matter."

Sai blinks, still looking vaguely introspective, and it occurs to Yamato quite suddenly that Sai is _naked_ sitting there beside him; the sheet is haphazardly pooled in his lap but there is plenty of knee and thigh and hip tantalizingly visible along with his entire upper body and Yamato allows himself a brief moment to appreciate. Sai is a study in pale skin and lean lines and mussed hair (and good _god_, quite the spattering of bruises around his collar) in the morning light, effortlessly beautiful, and Yamato would very much like to proceed with the morning by tumbling him into the tangle of sheets and giving an encore of last night's performance.

They really don't have time for that, however, as they've a schedule to keep if they're going to get home before nightfall, and it doesn't leave room for indulging that way. He realizes, also, that Sai needs to figure out what he wants with as little leading influence as possible from Yamato's desires, because—again—ingrained obedience is one of those things that Sai can't quite shake from his upbringing in Root.

Yamato touches Sai's hand gently. "Tell me what _you_ want, Sai."

"I am not supposed to want anything," Sai says, and it breaks Yamato's heart how free of bitterness Sai's voice is when he says it. Root was nothing if not thorough in training its operatives.

"But I am not like that anymore. I am learning to have desires. I want to form bonds and have friends, feel emotions. I _wanted_ to have sex with you, last night."

Yamato reaches gentle fingertips beneath Sai's jaw, tilting his face up. "And what do you want now?"

Sai's dark eyes are intent and introspective. "I want to have sex with you again. I want to be the person you want to have sex with. You make me feel...aroused; I like the way that my body reacts to you. You also make me feel like I truly am 'Sai' and I want a bond with you that is more than comrades on missions or in battle. I learn many things by watching you, and by talking to you; I want to learn everything about you, and I want to understand what it really means to be intimate—"

Yamato can't help himself any more, leaning in and cutting Sai off with a kiss; it touches him that Sai has taken that sort of interest in him, makes his spirits soar.

Sai pulls away from him, and there's a hint of a frown on his face. "Your mouth tastes very unpleasant, Yamato-taichou."

"Ah, sorry—I suppose it does," he says sheepishly, scrubbing at the back of his hair. Vaguely-hungover morning breath doesn't taste so good in his own mouth, at that, and he wishes for a glass of water at the very least. He clears his throat self-consciously. "Ehm. Well. Please believe me when I say that I absolutely want to have sex with you again. And... I really—what I feel for you definitely goes beyond just comrades." Sai blinks, and Yamato has spent long enough learning to interpret Sai's blank face that he can see the hint of pleased satisfaction in the minute quirk of Sai's mouth. "So if that's what you want, then that's what we'll do."

Sai blinks again, and smiles—the tiny-and-real one, the one that makes that melting feeling happen around Yamato's heart. "I would like that, Taichou."

"One thing, though." He obviously hadn't been clear enough last night, especially considering Sai had been quite distracted at the time. "If we're going to be—" Lovers? Boyfriends? He cringes from the triteness of either term "—together, if we're going to have an intimate relationship, it's okay for you to drop the 'Taichou' in casual circumstances, alright?"

"Alright. Yamato." Sai is still smiling that little smile, and Yamato _really_ wants to kiss him again, but that morning breath problem is unfortunately not going to take care of itself.

"Well, then. Let's get cleaned up and dressed and grab the others and get some breakfast before we hit the road, shall we?"

"Yes."

He lets Sai shower first; he's honestly not sure he could keep his hands to himself if they shared, and there's no sense in inviting that kind of temptation when they're meant to be on the road to Konoha as soon as possible.

He's just come back into the main room from his own shower (and a very thorough brushing-of-teeth), a pitifully under-sized towel tucked around his waist and scrubbing his hair dry with another, when someone starts banging on his door.

"Yamato-taichou!" Naruto's voice is slightly urgent. "Is that seed-thingy you gave us still working? Sai's not in his room and I can't find him anywhere!"

Yamato opens his mouth, not sure quite what he's going to say—he hasn't even broached the topic of discretion yet with Sai and how much they should reveal to the rest of the team—but it's just become a moot point because Sai is already moving.

Wearing nothing but his pants, Sai opens the door.

"It's alright, Naruto," he says, and Yamato can hear that he's practicing his reassuring smile as he says it. "I slept here with Yamato-taichou last night."

Naruto is caught up short in the doorway, gaping; his eyes dart from Sai's placid semi-nakedness to Yamato's barely-adequate towel and back to the random pattern of lovebites around Sai's throat, and then his face scrunches up like he's eaten something very unpleasant.

"Aw, geez, you guys!" he wails, hands waving in front of him spastically to ward off the revelation. "I didn't want to _know_!"

"But Naruto, do you not remember our conversation—"

"Agh, of course I do—it's not like I could forget it!" Judging by his tone and his haste to interrupt, Naruto has tried very hard to do so anyway. "But talking to you about it is totally different than seeing—you, and his—" He gestures hysterically in a way obviously meant to indicate Yamato's state of undress. His face is splotching faintly red and he's studiously not looking at the patchwork of bruises decorating Sai's neck. "I don't need _details_, y'know?"

Yamato steps in before Sai can start puzzling over what 'details' Naruto means. "We'll meet you and Sakura downstairs in fifteen minutes," he says, and Naruto shoots him a look half grateful and half freaked out.

"Right," he says, and is off down the hall in an instant.

Sai closes the door and turns to Yamato, and his slight frown has a quizzical air about it.

"I don't understand."

"Naruto is embarrassed." Yamato is sure he's a bit flushed himself; he can feel the tell-tale heat in his ears. "People are generally embarrassed to acknowledge when their peers are having sex with one another."

"But...we talked about it. He and Sakura gave me advice."

"There's a difference in talking about hypotheticals and having actualities confirmed," Yamato says. "It's...somehow, it's less embarrassing if people can pretend they don't know."

"Embarrassment is a very confusing emotion," Sai says at last, and Yamato has to laugh.

"I never thought about it that way, but I suppose you're right," he agrees, and realizes that he'd better figure out how to develop a measure of immunity to embarrassment himself if he means to have a relationship with Sai.

"Naruto said when we spoke that he would be happy for me," Sai says then, and his frown holds a hint of sad confusion.

Yamato slings an arm around his shoulders and kisses the top of his head. "Just because he's embarrassed doesn't mean he's not still happy for you," he says. "People are funny about sex. Give him time to adjust to the idea."

Sai has stiffened up slightly, and Yamato realizes a little belatedly that Sai probably wasn't expecting that sort of familiarity—not from him, not at that moment—or the kiss. "Ah, sorry," he offers, gently letting go and stepping back. "Didn't mean to surprise you."

"Should I be prepared for you to touch me like that often, outside of sex?" Sai's question is more curious than anything else.

"Probably," Yamato says, smiling. "Casual touching of all kinds is...sort of natural, in a romantic relationship; it shows closeness and affection, and I'm...likely to be doing it a lot. Especially if it's just you and me. Unless it makes you uncomfortable, of course."

"...No," Sai says, contemplating. "I think I might like it. How should I touch you in return?"

"However you like, really," Yamato says, and then realizes that this is _Sai_, and he probably ought to qualify that a bit. "I mean—overtly sexual touching is not a good idea in public, but privately just about anything goes. Missions are still missions, so of course we still need to behave professionally whenever we're on duty. And discretion—if your teammates see any displays of affection it'll probably make them very uncomfortable, so...um. Well." He sighs, rubs a hand over the back of his hair. "Don't worry too much about it—you can...follow my example, if that helps you figure everything out. And I promise I'll always answer any questions you come up with, alright?"

"Alright." Sai turns, picks up his sleeveless gray half-shirt and slips it on; when he zips it up in front, Yamato is mostly relieved and yet a little disappointed as well to see that the lovebites he left last night are almost completely hidden. There's one in front, directly in the center of Sai's throat, and its edge shows as a shadowy bit of color right where Sai's collar splits apart at the zipper; Yamato finds his gaze fixated on that one little spot, subtle evidence of last night's reality peeping out at him coyly, and he feels himself getting hard again.

"Yamato?" Sai is looking at him, his expression faintly inquisitive; he has yet to put on the short black jacket with its mismatched sleeves, and Yamato finds that the not-quite-dressed look is wildly appealing. He doesn't realize he's reached out to touch the ANBU tattoo on Sai's left bicep until he feels Sai's skin warm beneath his fingertips.

He curls his hand around Sai's bare arm gently, gives a little tug. "Come here," he murmurs, and Sai obediently steps into the embrace that Yamato folds around him, face turned up.

The kiss is languid, heavy but unhurried, and it sends tendrils of gooseflesh snaking down Yamato's spine and along his arms; he's not wearing anything but the short towel around his hips and Sai's hands touch bare skin at his waist, trace faint paths of warm sensation inward and up to his chest.

Sai's touch is still novel, light and a little bit uncertain and Yamato has a hard time reining in his response to it. He makes a short, muffled 'mmph' sound into Sai's mouth and kisses him harder, deeper; when he finally pulls off it's only to run his parted lips down the angle of Sai's jaw, nuzzle a kiss up beneath Sai's ear and trail more of them down the line of Sai's neck.

It's so difficult to resist the compulsion to mark his pale skin above the edge of his collar, where there won't be any hiding it, but somehow Yamato manages. Sai's pulse is a strong-yet-delicate movement beneath his lips; Yamato circles over it gently with the tip of his tongue, a low sound that's more purr than groan rising in his throat, and Sai shivers minutely in his arms.

"Are you certain we have time for sex? You told Naruto we would meet him and Sakura downstairs in fifteen minutes." Sai's words are warm against Yamato's cheek, and there's a breathless quality to his tone that makes Yamato ache.

"I know." He presses Sai closer, brushes another soft kiss just below his ear. "We don't have time for sex, no. But not every kiss leads to sex." He figures maybe he should let Sai go, back up words with actions to make them more convincing, but damned if it isn't _so hard_ to follow through on the thought. All he winds up doing in the end is slanting his mouth back over Sai's again, licking into the space between Sai's parted lips, finding Sai's tongue and curling his own around it.

Sai's hands slip down from his chest and hesitate briefly before sliding around his waist; Sai's fingertips sweep carefully up his naked back and Yamato shivers, head reeling just a little. He's given himself sober, clear-minded long-term permission to alter his relationship with Sai, to indulge and engage in feelings he's tried to keep stifled for such a long time; unsurprisingly, his libido is trying its very best to take control, but he's stronger than his impulses.

Really, he is, and he finally manages to end the kiss and step back from Sai just to prove it. His hands settle in a gentle grasp around Sai's upper arms despite himself, and it takes effort to let them simply fall away.

Sai is gazing up at him, solemn and intense, and Yamato has a wild, gleeful split-second where he can't quite believe that _Sai_ wants _him_.

"God, you're beautiful," he blurts, and Sai blinks.

Yamato hurriedly schools the giddiness down to manageable levels again. "When we get back to Konoha, tonight—do you want—would you like—" He should not be this tongue-tied, but it's _Sai_, and he is. "Will you come home with me?"

"For sex?" There's a faint note in Sai's voice that is unmistakably hopeful, and Yamato can't help dipping in to kiss him lightly on the mouth again, grinning.

"Yes. But not just that. Dinner, too, and—" because he wants to be sure Sai understands the scope of the invitation "—I'd really like it if you—if you...slept with me again, stayed the night. If you want."

"Alright." Sai's smile is bright, and honest, and Yamato melts all over again to see it.

He keeps a handle on it, though; he's still in charge of getting everybody home in one piece and wrapping up the formalities of the mission, and acting like a besotted schoolboy with his first crush isn't going to do him any good on that front.

So. Best to get moving, then.

He gathers up the strewn pieces of his uniform and starts dressing, trying not to look over at Sai too often and trying _really_ hard not to melt at the little smile Sai gives him each time he fails.

By the time he's got himself back together Sai has pulled on his jacket and equipment and is standing idly by, waiting for him. Yamato smiles and shrugs into his vest, the last piece of his uniform, and resists the urge to reach out to Sai; showing up to breakfast hand-in-hand is only going to make things awkward.

_More_ awkward.

"Ready?"

Sai dips a short nod and turns for the door.

"You should probably be prepared for Naruto and Sakura to behave...differently," Yamato advises as they walk down the hall. He has no doubt that Naruto has shared his trauma with Sakura already, and things are going to be off-kilter for a little while at least. Naruto will be flustered and embarrassed, and Sakura will try her best to act normal, polite, like she's above Naruto's level of overt discomfort, perhaps, but there will still be that air of martyred _knowing_ between them.

"Because they know we had sex and they are embarrassed?"

Sai says it so unabashedly, and for just an instant Yamato envies him his complete lack of social conditioning. "Yes. It probably won't last—" please, god, let them get over it quickly "—but I'm sure they're both going to feel a bit awkward this morning, like Naruto was a few minutes ago. That doesn't mean they're going to stop being your friends, though, so try not to let it bother you."

"Alright," Sai says placidly, and Yamato lets out a resigned breath.

Sai may not always recognize his own emotions, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel them, and Yamato realizes already that he'll spend too much time worrying about whether Sai is confused or hurt by or indifferent to the tension in his teammates, if Sai will weather their adjustment period smoothly. He knows that he'll have to suppress his own embarrassment twice as much for everyone else's sake, ignore his own discomfort to help the others move past theirs, but so be it. He's a good captain and he's had jobs more difficult than this; he will cheerfully herd them all through breakfast and onto the road despite the awkwardness, will fake it for all he's worth until he doesn't need to anymore.

It starts off about as well as Yamato envisioned. Naruto is fidgety as they meet up in the dining room; Sakura frowns hard at him and he stills a little, but the smile Sakura then gives them in greeting is a little mortified around the edges. Yamato also sees the way her eyes keep straying to the barely-visible bruising at the zip of Sai's collar and his own embarrassment is thick in the pit of his stomach.

It never really gets any worse than that, however. Naruto remains jittery and Sakura remains subdued as the meal goes on, and Yamato ends up over-compensating for their behavior even though he's aiming for nonchalant; it's Sai, oddly enough, who manages to inject a sense of normalcy into their routine by simply behaving the same way he usully does. Sai's smile is sincerely bright and friendly and his attempts at conversation earnest and honestly engaging; Yamato sees the other two gradually easing back into familiar patterns and it's less difficult to relax and follow suit himself.

He's surprised but pleased when their team dynamic has stabilized somewhere close to normal by the time they leave, and suspects that Sai's prior conversation with Naruto and Sakura about his interest in Yamato has helped them adjust to the idea somewhat beforehand.

The sun is bright and warm overhead when they hit the road, and Yamato lags slightly behind, bringing up the rear and watching his charges as they go. They're a good team, he thinks fondly, and he's proud of the way they've bonded both on and off the field. He can't help paying particular attention to the way that Sai interacts with the other two, how easily he fits with them by now; Yamato can see how much Sai has grown from the abrasive and disconnected young man he was when they both joined Team Kakashi and his pride is tempered by warm affection, by deepening attachment. His train of thought turns to the things that Sai expressed to him last night, this morning; he feels an effervescent sort of hope and happiness trying to bubble up inside him and does his best to keep it in perspective. He knows that Sai's background means this relationship definitely won't be easy; there's no telling where it will go or if it will last or what will happen along the way, and there will surely be those who frown upon them being together regardless. He's an optimist by nature, though, resilient and persistent; hardship and social disapproval are not enough to bring his spirits down, not when Sai has reached out to him, not when he feels the way he does about Sai. Sai has gradually become one of his most important people, someone he wants to share himself with, someone he wants to nurture, support, connect with—_love_; he realizes he could wind up getting hurt down the road, but it doesn't matter.

He understands Sai, intuitively, in a way he never would have imagined when they met, and if he has the opportunity to help Sai learn anything about desires and emotions, about relationships and bonds and _living_ after Root, he's going to take it, whatever the document here...


End file.
